How to Be a Successful Student--Not!

Ten Easy Ways to Graduate

Bring your professors newspaper clippings dealing with their subjects. This demonstrates fiery interest and gives them timely items to mention to the class. If you can't find clippings dealing with their subjects, bring in any clippings at random. They think everything deals with their subjects.
Look alert. Takes notes eagerly--you don't have to read them later. If you look at your watch, don't stare at it unbelievingly and sigh.
Nod frequently and murmur, "How true!" To you, this seems exaggerated; to them, it's quite objective.
Sit in front, near them (applies only if you intend to stay awake). If you're going to all the trouble of making a good impresssion, you might as well let them know that you are.
Laugh at their jokes. You CAN tell. If they look up from their notes and smile expectantly, they have told a joke.
Ask for outside reading. You don't have to read it. Just ask.
If you must sleep, arrange to be called at the end of the hour. This way, you will be awake in time for the break. Learn to sleep sitting up. As unbelievable as it may seem, putting your head on your desk is not regarded as a sign of deep thought.
Be sure the book you read during class looks like a book from the course. If you do math in psychology class and psychology in math class, match the books for size and color.
Ask questions you think they can answer. Conversely, avoid announcing that you have found the answer they couldn't provide, and in your younger brother's second grade reader at that.
Call their attention to their writing. If you know that they have published books or articles, ask them in class about it.

As to whether or not you want to do some work in addition to all this--well, the answer is quite controversial, and the decision is up to the individual.

Source: Journal, March 1949

Cool Dude's Guide to Flunking Out

Sit in the back of the classroom, even if there are only five students in class. This will immediately indicate a lack of interest in the class and a generally negative attitude toward school.
Don't read your assignments before going to class. This way, you'll be nicely unprepared to answer questions, and you'll have no idea what the professor is talking about. Remember: Knowing the material is not cool.
If you must take notes, let the reading and studying of them pile up until the night before an exam. No sense getting all uptight about it. Don't believe your professors when they say that the material will be on the test. They're lying just to scare you. In addition, be sure to use lots of abbreviation that you'll forget later.
Forget to buy your textbook and ignore suggestions by your professors to do outside reading. Do, however, frequently complain about the high cost of textbooks.
Ignore exam results. Throw returned tests away, preferably on your way out of the classroom. If you study, you might do better next time. Your bad grade is only an indication that your professor is out to get you.
Either don't go to class or go very little. This way, you won't be bothered with stuff that might be on exams. And remember: Going to class late is not at all graceful or stylish. It's best not to go at all.
After cutting a class, be sure to ask the instructor, "Did I miss anything?"
Start papers late. In fact, just throw them together. This will guarantee a junior-high- level mess, especially if you wait until the night before the paper is due. Your professor should be glad you did something at all. Ignore all guidelines on formatting. Nobody has the right to tell you how to do things.
Schedule your classes so that they're all in the morning. This gives you the entire afternoon to goof off, thus eliminating the possibility of making good use of your time. Besides, you can drive your advisors crazy by insisting that they help you schedule all your classes between 8:30 and 11:30.
Never visit with any of your professors during the term. You can thus avoid getting any valuable information that might help you.

Adapted from Bonnie Titley, "How to Flunk out with Style and Grace." National On-Campus Report, August 12, 1994.

How to Please Your Professors

Try to get to class a few minutes late every day. That'll give your professors time to catch their breath and to surely notice you when you arrive.

Go to class only some of the time. You don't want to wear out your welcome, do you? Remember: The less your professors see of you, the happier they are.

Classtime is the perfect opportunity for catching up on your work for other courses, reading the newspaper, taking a nap, or talking with a friend. Professors love to see students use their time efficiently.

Avoid coming to class prepared. Reading the assigned text and knowing the material will only ruin the professor's carefully prepared lecture and rob you of the opportunity to ask inane hypothetical questions.

Your professors are flexible about due dates. They like getting things late because that helps them spread out their grading. The only thing that will get you in trouble is turning in something early.

Don't overload your bookbag with notebooks and pencils. Your professors don't want you to hurt your back. If you take notes, you only slow down the class. The fewer notes you take, the happier your professors will be.

Don't participate in class unless your professors call on you. Asking questions is rude, and expressing your opinions may be something for the Jerry Springer Show, but not for college.

When someone asks a question, pay no attention to the answer. Your professors love answering the same questions over and over--it makes them feel useful.

When you misspell words, blame it on the spell checker. Your professors know that with the high cost of cigarettes and beer, you can't possibly afford a $4.99 dictionary.

Remember that personality is more important than performance. Your professors will give you a good grade only if they like you.

Your professors know that a "C" is an insult and no longer means average. If you show up more or less regularly, you will be guaranteed at least a "B."

If you're going to be absent, don't notify your professors in advance. If not for frantically calling your advisor to figure out where you are, they'd have nothing to do. Remember: A professor's job is to make sure that students who have cut class are always caught up.

Here are some other comments your professors love to hear:

If you miss an exam question:: "That was a trick question."
If you get a low grade on a paper:: "My mom thought is was excellent."
If you hand in a late paper:: "I had a paper due in another class."
If you get a bad grade because you misunderstood the directions:: "In high school we didn't have to do it this way."
Shouted from the back after a returned test:: "What does this comment here say?

By all means, go on vacation while school is in session. Have fun on Padre Island while the rest of the class covers the material.

Image accounts for most of your grade, so be sure to put your assignments in fancy folders. That way, your professors won't notice the misspellings, the food stains, and the lack of content. Remember: Professors are easily fooled.

Don't bother your professors with questions during their office hours; they have work to do. Instead, approach them two minutes before class and ask them to look over papers or fill you in one the last two weeks' lectures. An added bonus is the fact that you can later complain that your professor didn't take enough time to explain things.

Professors are genetically unable to keep time. The only way to remind them is to pack up your things five minutes before the end of class. Your professors will be forever thankful.

Wait until you're in a crisis situation before asking your professors for help; otherwise, they won't take your problem seriously.

If you have a complaint or concern, do not discuss is with your professors-- they won't listen or even try to understand. Instead, talk about it with classmates and family members and let the anger fester. Better yet, give your professors no clue that you're upset and deny everything should they ask; then tear into them in your course evaluation or during a meeting with the department head.

Don't drop by your professors' offices to chat--they're way too busy to be concerned about your progress. Remember: Professors are not in this business because they love working with students; they're in it for the money and for the chance to make people miserable.

Don't keep a copy of your course syllabus or course policies. Your professors made them only to have something to talk about the first day. Throw them in the trash on your way out. This way, you can plead ignorance and argue endlessly should the professor actually attempt to enforce a policy.

Adapted from: Proctor, Russell F., II. "Communicating Rules with a Grin."